Have you ever farted while you're sad or angry over something and your brain's like "hey, cut it out. This is not silly time. This is serious, upset time."

Long story short, I was attacked by a dog recently. Rabies is extremely rare in the U.S., but if you get it and don't do anything, you will die, so a nurse practitioner recommended I get the vaccine just to be safe. It's a pretty straightforward procedure. Get a few shots, come back a handful of times over the next few weeks for followup doses, and you're good to go. Easy~

Yeah, I don't think so. I make 4-figures in a year so I'm not exactly swimming in money. I'm uninsured of course. They're not getting anything out of me. I will not be supporting this repugnant, immoral, human rights disaster scam of a healthcare system. I'm not paying. Fight me.

What the heck, I'm giving Twitter another chance. I've always had an account, but never really used it much. Maybe in the long run it can help me connect to more cool folks who enjoy what I do. Let's go! Also, I guess the original owner of this Twitter handle changed their name or deleted the account. I've officially called dibs. Now I'm the king of Squirrel Country!

It's lonely here -.-

https://twitter.com/SquirrelCountry

A neighbor's dog attacked me, so I went to the ER to have a bite checked out. We asked the neighbors if their dog had had its vaccinations, and they said no. They also said that I'm lying, but also that their dog has bitten other people before, so color me confused. Anyway, a nurse practitioner recommended I get a rabies vaccine right away. It's exceedingly rare for pets to carry rabies in the United States, but if you do get rabies, you're a goner. Barring a handful of claims, rabies is always fatal unless treated before symptoms arise. The best treatment is prevention, if that makes sense. It's like when people say "the best way to stop drinking is to never start." I don't believe the dog has rabies, but I didn't want to risk it, you know? They gave me a shot in the arm, two in the hips, and two in the thighs. Ouch. I do have to come back periodically for yet more shots, but I guess this is for the best. Almost nobody dies from rabies in the U.S. anymore, but it does happen and I don't want to be a part of the chosen few. The dog must be quarantined for 10 days, but I'm confident he'll be fine. The owners have promised to build a fence for their dog, thankfully. And if I'm attacked by wild raccoons, bats, foxes, skunks, or ferrets, rabies will be one less thing to worry about.

Also, I can't stop thinking about that episode of King of the Hill where Dale thought he had rabies, but it turned out he was just crazy from eating mushrooms in the forest.

Hello

Super Mario 64 is a game most of us have played or at very least seen others play. It was a watershed moment in video game history and set the standard for what 3D games could be. Likewise, Nintendo remade the game to show the world just what their new DS system could do.

Super Mario 64 DS is a remake built from the ground up, but doesn't stray too far from what made the original so great. Firstly, the graphics are more impressive, though some may like original better in that department. The models are vastly improved in my opinion. Mario looks more like modern Mario, enemies look much more accurate, and the textures are of higher quality. And I'll just say it, Bowser looks like hot garbage in the original game. His updated design is infinitely better in my book. And I get it, maybe you grew up with the original and it has sentimental value. The thing about Super Mario 64 DS is that it's not a replacement. I see it as a companion title that can be loved in addition to the original. The music on the other hand has basically been untouched as far as I can tell, and I'm totally okay with that. Koji Kondo's stellar soundtrack is a timeless masterpiece and Nintendo was wise to leave it alone.

And now we come to the main area of frustration with this remake. The original game was made with an analog stick in mind. I don't know if you've ever taken a look at a DS before, but I can't find the analog stick anywhere. While you can use the touch screen for precise control, I could never get the hang of it. I would imagine almost everyone played this game with the D-pad. Instead of 360-degree, analog movement, you're now limited to 8-directions of digital movement. It is possible to achieve the 360-degree motion with a D-pad, but it would require "tank controls" like Resident Evil and that wouldn't be very fun for a platformer (lookin’ at you, Bubsy 3D). Before, you could gently push the analog stick to make Mario walk slowly, or hold it all the way in a direction to make Mario run. This is quite unfeasible with a D-pad, so Nintendo remedied this by having a dedicated dash button like in Super Mario 3D Land / 3D World. It works well enough. Mario turns very smoothly, a bit sluggish even, perhaps to emulate the feel of playing with an analog stick and give the illusion of more directionality. Sometimes I had trouble turning around and found myself falling to my doom a bit too often. However, when you get used to the movement in this game, it's a ton of fun...most of the time.

Oh my gosh the camera is not on your side in any version of this game. I spent way too much of my time adjusting the camera and had so many deaths because I couldn't see properly or judge the distance of a platform. The more linear levels are great, as the camera is more hand-tailored to work well in them, but the more open-ended levels can be rough at times. With this said, the camera is still much better in this game than the original and didn't ruin my experience by any means. Also, having a map on the bottom screen is a welcomed addition. It's pretty useful, but I never felt I had to look at the bottom screen too often.

This version does include 30 extra stars, a few new levels, small tweaks here and there, a handful of fun mini games, a standalone multiplayer mode (which I haven't tried), and the biggest addition of all, more playable characters to unlock! Yes, L is finally real. You can play as Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, Wario and another character I won't spoil. They each play differently and have unique skills attached to them that will occasionally be required to get certain stars. Mario is the fastest, has wall a jump ability (which works far better now), can use the inflation power-up from Super Mario World, and has access to the wing cap from the original game. Yoshi has a flutter jump, can eat fire, swallow enemies and throw eggs. Wario is by far the worst. He runs slow, he jumps low and his abilities are very situational. Lastly, there's Luigi and my gosh he's completely broken. Luigi is an absolute GOD in this game. He jumps the highest, can slow his descent in the air, can run on water like he's Jesus, can use the Vanish Cap from the original game, and has this OP propeller jump that lets him slowly float down, which can absolutely break the game and make difficult stars a breeze to get.

All the new additions are solid, but the cap system is a little strange. Okay, so sometimes you'll need a certain character's ability to get a star and if you've got the wrong character, you'd think you'd have to exit the stage and go to the character room in Peach's castle to change to the one you need. You know, like a Donkey Kong 64 situation. HOWEVER, you don't have to do this, as you'll find caps within stages that transform you into another character. It's weird because this only changes your appearance and moveset. If you're Yoshi and you pick up Wario's hat, you'll look like Wario, play like Wario, but still sound like Yoshi. Yoshi's voice, Wario's body, this is an abomination. All things considered, the additions are nice and most of the changes from the original are for the better.

All-in-all, Super Mario 64 DS is a great time. One may ask, should I play this game or the original? and to that I say, why not both? Super Mario 64 DS may be a re-make, but it's not a re-placement. It's a sister game in my opinion and I'd recommend checking it out sometime even if you already have the original or have played it to death. It may not click at first, but I think if you give it a chance, you'll find that there's a lot of enjoyment to be had.

One of the very few times we see Mario and Luigi's parents. They're like the parents from Cow and Chicken so we only ever see their legs. Okay, so Mario's been all over the world and traveled to distant galaxies and other universes, but he can't visit his parents once in a while? Shameful.

Shabingus!!